I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
