Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
