last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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