My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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