i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
