if i can run in heels then i can drive
even my farts smell like vagina
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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