were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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