So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize