Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
