I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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