When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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