i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
