You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
