hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
