he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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