12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
