oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize