I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
