Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
