**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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