No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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