Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
