apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
His nipple licking is glorious
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