Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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