I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
