I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize