i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
