I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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