Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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