i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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