sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
