Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
