i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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