You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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