I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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