The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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