Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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