I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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