why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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