god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
