I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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