I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
