If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
