my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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