SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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