no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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