this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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