I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
