Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
