We're like a lot better than the average bears
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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