I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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