i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
