I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
